i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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