I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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