I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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