Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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