Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
