are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
