My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
