The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
