Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize