i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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