They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
