Your tits are I can't wait for
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
