just tell him i said nine months
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
