If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
