Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Randomize
