Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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