Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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