dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
