we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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