Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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