my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
