i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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