The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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