Who did Billy Mays play for?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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