i jhust puked up my retainher.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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