a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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