you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
