a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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