i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
