I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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