When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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