Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
