I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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