saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Randomize
