My sheets look like a crime scene.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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