Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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