I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
