she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
