it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
