Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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