They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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