hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
