Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Four minutes until I can fart!
We got so high we made milksteak
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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