and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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