Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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