Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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