im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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