Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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