Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
