I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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