Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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