is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
