after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
