Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
