hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
