i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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