Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
