he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
